Sunday, 16 September 2007

The Tyrannosaurus and the Lettuce: a parable

Genesis 1:29-30

29 And God said, “See, I have given you every herb that yields seed which is on the face of all the earth, and every tree whose fruit yields seed; to you it shall be for food. 30 Also, to every beast of the earth, to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the earth, in which there is life, I have given every green herb for food”; and it was so.

The Tyrannosaurus roared. A primitive, bestial sound, echoing across the clearing. It charged out the trees, birds scattering before its headlong rush. It tensed, then pounced, its claws rending, its incredible jaws tearing, a superbly adapted killing machine doing what it does best. As pieces of its prey covered the ground around it, it threw back its head, prepared to issue an atavistic scream of triumph - but stopped, and instead slumped forwards dejectedly.

"It's just not the same," it said. "Not with lettuce." A stray leaf fluttered to the ground next to it. "I ask you, I didn't spend umpteen million years evolving into the ultimate predator to hang around here giving some brassicas the mauling of their lives. I could cry, I really could." He slumped to the floor.

Just then, a passing snaked piped up.

"You want to be careful you do," it said. "Throwing the e-word around like that. The big G doesn't like it you know".

"What e-word?"

The snake flinched and looked round. "Oh for - look, evolution ok, but you didn't hear it from me, never head of it. Personally, I spent millions of years just hanging round conserving the old genome. Ha! Evolve? No, you wouldn't catch me doing that!"

"Oh yeah," the Tyrannosaurus said hurriedly. "Me too. Hohoho, evolve? No chance! 100% created, that's me, all the way." It paused reflectively. “Mmm, coconuts.”

"And don't you forget it. Just between us two though, I'm getting fed up to the back teeth with the whole thing too - not that I have any of course, just these twin venom injecting fangs - they paralyse the cabbages a treat I can tell you - and this fantastic dislocatable jaw. Why I swallowed a marrow whole yesterday. That was a laugh. ‘Course I had to, not being able to process its tough vegetable fibres with my jaw muscles only fit for swift predatory bites, though that's neither here nor there. And then to top it all off, I didn't have the correct kind of stomach to digest the bugger either, and that wasn't an enjoyable toilet trip, let me tell you, but can't complain, eh? It’s not everyday you get to live in Paradise."

"Actually, it is you know. Every sodding day."

"Yeah." said the snake gloomily. "But you know what? It's my legs that really get me down. I mean, why design an animal fantastically adapted to getting around sans ambulatory movement, and then give it legs? Poxy little things."

"Shocking the way they manage things round here isn't it."

"Yeah".

They subsided into a subdued silence.


5 comments:

Lim Leng Hiong said...

Hahaha...

Brilliant!

nullifidian said...

Tremendous! :-)

Saint Onan said...

My apologies; I'm the guy who copied this item as a post in the Atheism vs. Christianity forum. I have no excuse for not attributing it properly, other than the fact I was laughing so hard I couldn't think straight. Excellent work!

Ben D said...

Saint Onan - that's fine. I'm just glad people are enjoying it!

Anonymous said...

[p]To avoid being damaged, don隆炉t wipe vigorously . Make sure they are clean enough before storing them . Let me analyze [url=http://www.llouisvuittonbagsuk.co.uk]louis vuitton bags[/url] separately . Drawstring bag has flat bottom and [url=http://www.llouisvuittonbagsuk.co.uk]louis vuitton bags uk[/url] round outline . Also draw pockets,personal details,brand logo,hardware and accessories,patterns or decorations and zippers,tassels etc that you would add to your handbag . Some bags have the yellow zig zag and some have a multi colored blueish zig zag . You have to notice the [url=http://www.mmulberrypursesale.co.uk]mulberry purse discount[/url] air humidity when using the bags . "They隆炉re the finishing touch that can make an otherwise [url=http://www.llouisvuittonbagsuk.co.uk]louis vuitton outlet[/url] unspectacular and perhaps not so expensive outfit really shine," she states.[/p][p]Since fashion is something to do with yourself . You have got to make [url=http://www.mulberrybags8uk.co.uk]mulberry bags[/url] sure that you buy form the trusted vendor, although the advantage of acquiring from is auction sites you can obtain your desired handbag in really low-cost . Anyone else remember trying to [url=http://www.mmulberrypursesale.co.uk]mulberry purse uk
[/url] pull that off? Well, if I am alone in that, then I really was way off on my own track- way out in right field . The tassels is casual [url=http://www.mulberrybags8uk.co.uk]mulberry bags sale[/url] appropriately . Take materials of handbags into consideration, I like patented leather bags best as they are simple with gorgeous tinge . Certainly, expensive nylon bags should be taken care well for preventing from damage . There is no doubt that Alexander McQueen is a genius, who works as a designer for Givenchy and then founded his own brand . Are you ready to greet the big party in the end of the year? It must bring much troubles to you to keep stylish and decent in various parties.[/p]