29 And God said, “See, I have given you every herb that yields seed which is on the face of all the earth, and every tree whose fruit yields seed; to you it shall be for food. 30 Also, to every beast of the earth, to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the earth, in which there is life, I have given every green herb for food”; and it was so.
The Tyrannosaurus roared. A primitive, bestial sound, echoing across the clearing. It charged out the trees, birds scattering before its headlong rush. It tensed, then pounced, its claws rending, its incredible jaws tearing, a superbly adapted killing machine doing what it does best. As pieces of its prey covered the ground around it, it threw back its head, prepared to issue an atavistic scream of triumph - but stopped, and instead slumped forwards dejectedly.
"It's just not the same," it said. "Not with lettuce." A stray leaf fluttered to the ground next to it. "I ask you, I didn't spend umpteen million years evolving into the ultimate predator to hang around here giving some brassicas the mauling of their lives. I could cry, I really could." He slumped to the floor.
Just then, a passing snaked piped up.
"You want to be careful you do," it said. "Throwing the e-word around like that. The big G doesn't like it you know".
The snake flinched and looked round. "Oh for - look, evolution ok, but you didn't hear it from me, never head of it. Personally, I spent millions of years just hanging round conserving the old genome. Ha! Evolve? No, you wouldn't catch me doing that!"
"Oh yeah," the Tyrannosaurus said hurriedly. "Me too. Hohoho, evolve? No chance! 100% created, that's me, all the way." It paused reflectively. “Mmm, coconuts.”
"And don't you forget it. Just between us two though, I'm getting fed up to the back teeth with the whole thing too - not that I have any of course, just these twin venom injecting fangs - they paralyse the cabbages a treat I can tell you - and this fantastic dislocatable jaw. Why I swallowed a marrow whole yesterday. That was a laugh. ‘Course I had to, not being able to process its tough vegetable fibres with my jaw muscles only fit for swift predatory bites, though that's neither here nor there. And then to top it all off, I didn't have the correct kind of stomach to digest the bugger either, and that wasn't an enjoyable toilet trip, let me tell you, but can't complain, eh? It’s not everyday you get to live in Paradise."
"Actually, it is you know. Every sodding day."
"Yeah." said the snake gloomily. "But you know what? It's my legs that really get me down. I mean, why design an animal fantastically adapted to getting around sans ambulatory movement, and then give it legs? Poxy little things."
"Shocking the way they manage things round here isn't it."
They subsided into a subdued silence.
Sunday, 16 September 2007